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Lily Ann:
Grace is rounding the curve to ten. I am not sure how this is possible. I feel ever more aware of her girlhood and looming adolescence, and of all the things I want her to know, as if I could somehow instill values and beliefs into her, like pressing a penny into soft clay. I know I can't; the best I can do is to keep saying them, keep writing them, keep living them.
Ten things I want my 10-year-old daughter to know:
1. It is not your job to keep the people you love happy. Not me, not Daddy, not your brother, not your friends. I promise, it's not. The hard truth is that you can't, anyway.
2. Your physical fearlessness is a strength. Please continue using your body in the world: run, jump, climb, throw. I love watching you streaking down the soccer field, or swinging proudly along a row of monkey bars, or climbing into the high branches of a tree. There is both health and a sense of mastery in physical activity and challenges.
3. You should never be afraid to share your passions. You are sometimes embarrassed that you still like to play with dolls, for example, and you worry that your friends will make fun of you. Anyone who teases you for what you love to do is not a true friend. This is hard to realize, but essential.
4. It is okay to disagree with me, and others. You are old enough to have a point of view, and I want to hear it. So do those who love you. Don't pick fights for the sake of it, of course, but when you really feel I'm wrong, please say so. You have heard me say that you are right, and you've heard me apologize for my behavior or point of view when I realize they were wrong. Your perspective is both valid and valuable. Don't shy away from expressing it.
5. You are so very beautiful. Your face now holds the baby you were and the young woman you are rapidly becoming. My eyes and cleft chin and your father's coloring combine into someone unique, someone purely you. I can see the clouds of society's beauty myth hovering, manifest in your own growing self-consciousness. I beg of you not to lose sight with your own beauty, so much of which comes from the fact that your spirit runs so close to the surface.
6. Reading is essential. It is the central leisure-time joy of my life, as you know. I am immensely proud and pleased to see that you seem to share it. That identification you feel with characters, that sense of slipping into another world, of getting lost there in the best possible way? Those never go away. Welcome.
7. You are not me. We are very alike, but you are your own person, entirely, completely, fully. I know this, I promise, even when I lose sight of it. I know that separation from me is one of the fundamental tasks of your adolescence, which I can see glinting over the horizon. I dread it like ice in my stomach, that space, that distance, that essential cleaving, but I want you to know I know how vital it is. I'm going to be here, no matter what, Grace. The red string that ties us together will stretch. I know it will. And once the transition is accomplished there will be a new, even better closeness. I know that too.
8. It is almost never about you. What I mean is that when people act in a way that hurts or makes you feel insecure, it is almost certainly about something happening inside of them, and not about you. I struggle with this one mightily, and I have tried very, very hard never once to tell you you are being "too sensitive" or to "get over it" when you feel hurt. Believe me, I know how feelings can slice your heart, even if your head knows otherwise. But maybe, just maybe, it will help to remember that almost always other people are struggling with their own demons, even if they bump into you by accident.
9. There is no single person who can be your everything. Be very careful about bestowing this power on any one person. I suspect you are trying to fill a gnawing loneliness, and if you are you inherited it from me. That feeling, Woolf's "emptiness about the heart of life," is just part of the deal. Trying to fill that ache with other people (or with anything else, like food, alcohol, numbing behaviors of a zillion sorts you don't even know of yet) is a lost cause, and nobody will be up to the task. You will feel let down, and, worse, that loneliness will be there no matter what. I'm learning to embrace it, to accept it as part of who I am. I hope to help you do the same.
10. I am trying my best. I know I'm not good enough and not the mother you deserve. I am impatient and fallible and I raise my voice. I am sorry. I love you and your brother more than I love anyone else in the entire world and I always wish I could be better for you. I'll admit I don't always love your behavior, and I'm quick to tell you that. But every single day, I love you with every fiber of my being. No matter what.
Lily Ann:
What a gift you are to those around
you. As you're aware, you melt my heart daily through every glance,
breath, sneeze, fart, and movement. I have been emailing you notes,
letters, pictures, and videos prior to you being born til now - and will
continue to do so in order for you to possibly revisit them one day,
check them out while you progress into becoming the beautiful and
talented young woman you were meant to be, age to where I am one day, then become the
greatness God intends for you during your lifetime.
You're going to be one years old in
a few weeks, and after reading an article a friend shared, I was
inspired to share a few tokens of advice that I will not be short of
during your amazing life. You are starting to not only crawl, but climb,
laugh, try to speak (even sing), and while you're learning these basic
maneuvers - you have inspired me to learn and notice more purpose
through your existence. I love you daughter, will do beyond all I
humanely can to be a great dad, father, friend (when appropriate), and
support mechanism to you - not to mention your biggest fan in your life.
Here's some advice, a Top 10 list to start, for your journey. By no
means is this it, but it's a good start.
1.) God
is your identity. *Not the world, distractions, the lies others
tell you, a man, a boss, a company, job, sport, fashion, or the like.
Love God, love yourself, love your family and friends, and invest your
time into the things that truly matter. Never compromise your core values for the sake of pleasing someone else. It intrudes upon the virtue of integrity. Quality will always surpass
quantity, always.
2.) Learn
to be still and present. *Things move real fast in our world.
It's okay and healthy to slow down, plan rest, and to listen to what
your restless soul is really saying. I am not saying lay around and be a
lazy hipster. I am saying life can get overwhelming, noisy, and
tumultuous at times - invest time in enjoying nature, reconnecting with
yourself by way of the things you love, and decipher when you're in need
of a slow down. Perhaps you slow down through music, playing an
instrument, writing poems, reading, sports, travel, a beach, listening
to the ocean, talking with friends, cooking, etc. Do those things, and
do them often. Integrate what you love and creates space and peace into
your daily patterns and rhythm.
3.) Your
instincts are right. *Learn the art of listening to your gut. It
is telling you something for a reason, and many never learn how to
notice or have the courage to do what it says. We can be our own worst
enemy at times, become stalemate or gridlocked due to fear. Pause, ask
yourself if what you are facing is important, useful, where it derived
from, what the goal is to achieve, what the consequences are, and what
matters here.
4.) Dream,
but with actionable focus. *You can be and do whatever you dream
of, but make a plan, take action, and align to a solid vision with
agility. Start strong, finish stronger. Attitude is altitude.
5.) Laugh
as much as you can. *Smile, enjoy life, embrace the moments that
matter, as these will be what you talk about - not how many hours you
worked, how much salary you made, or the like. Think of the compelling
stories you will have, and live your life and make decisions in sync
with the stories you want to tell and write vs. what others seek to
write for you. Laughing at others expense makes you ugly, don't do it
(and don't gossip, it makes people look cheap, like cussing). You can
change your appearance without spending thousands on clothes or the
countless cosmetics you don't need - simply with a smile.
6.) Others
happiness is not your responsibility. *Making your parents,
friends, bosses, family, and others happy is not your job. I am not
saying that you shouldn't care or respect others, but it's not your role
to stress about making someone happy. We are as great as we help others
become, but with healthy and respectful boundaries. Don't carry guilt
for others, apologize (sounds better than 'sorry') if you are wrong, be
of humble grace (pie, especially apple pie with vanilla ice cream,
tastes good - but humble pie doesn't always leave a good taste in your
mouth, but you'll learn - as I already know you being my daughter may be
a little stubborn with being sensitive as well, can be a potent mix ;
). Know who you are, your boundaries for you and in healthy ways for
others, and understand it's okay to say no.
7.) Don't
carry the regrets of others. *Others mistakes, shortfalls,
bitterness, or anger are not your fault or responsibility. I am not
saying don't sympathize, empathize, or listen and be genuinely
thoughtful for another human beings stressors - but know that it's not
your job or role to place these burdens on your back.
8.) Make
your joy heavy and burdens light. *Life will throw you many
challenges. Make decisions, live your life, lead your path, and live
with a spirited attitude knowing that you can choose how you feel, live,
and act. Being decisive, listening faster than speaking, your demeanor
and tone, and living healthy heavies your joys as well. If you are true to yourself, live honestly, embrace diversity and the differences of others (doesn't always mean you have to agree, but you can respect them), and know that as a bold/strong/beautiful lady - you can be tender/sensitive/graceful as you like, and as aggressive/tenacious/courageous as necessary as well. It's okay to be a mixture of strength, tenderness, boldness, and beauty. Beauty is you, and being you. This will deliver joy to your spirit, and others around you.
9.) How
you react to obstacles defines your identity. *Like I said in
#1, God is your identity, how you manage difficult decisions, accept
responsibility (Start with "I" vs. blame others, blaming is not a good
leadership style), and move along your journey in response to things
that cause you to pause or deal with an emotional endeavor displays the
true person you are while roaming this planet the short time we are
blessed to be here. Having manners can also greatly assist in distinguishing you from the crowd.
10.) You are
beautiful in all ways. *Not only are you a beautiful physical
creative from God, but your spirit, unique qualities and passions,
voice, smile, thoughts, heart, and being are magnificent examples and
evidence that you and those around you are blessed. You will make
mistakes, have trials and tribulations, but how you prepare for life's
moments, battles, and decisions are what truly make up the essence of
your purpose. Surround yourself with honest, authentic, and genuine
people - who have God in their heart. You will be imperfectly perfect,
as will others - but know that it is okay to alleviate the pain and evil
in your life by eliminating relationships or other toxic behaviors or
people from your life. You can miss people and forgive them, but may not
forget them (people spend lots of money, time, and addictions trying to
dismiss memories, face yours and move forward picking up your feet).
It's okay to make mistakes, as long as you didn't intend for them or
repeat them. Never fear being yourself, others criticism, or the evil
distractions and temptations that you may face. Invite God into your
decisions, hobbies, job, school, friendships, family, meals,
relationships, car rides, when you have coffee (if you decide you like
it), writings, voice, and the like. He is your centering and how you may
calibrate your bearings. All else is fleeting and fading. Know that you
are beautiful, you deserve to be in loving relationships, and if you
ever feel like a shell of a person, alone, or less than - they're all
lies, and you are loved by your family, friends, and God - you're never
alone. You are an incredibly amazing and beautiful woman, never forget that. You are loved.
********************************************************************************
Here's the article that a friend
shared, and inspired me to think about you - my awesome daughter.
link: http://www.huffingtonpost.com/lindsey-mead-russell/ten-things-ten-years-olds-should-know_b_1553134.html?ref=tw
10 Things I Want My Daughter To Know Before She Turns 10
Posted: 06/05/2012 12:10 pm
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Grace is rounding the curve to ten. I am not sure how this is possible. I feel ever more aware of her girlhood and looming adolescence, and of all the things I want her to know, as if I could somehow instill values and beliefs into her, like pressing a penny into soft clay. I know I can't; the best I can do is to keep saying them, keep writing them, keep living them.
Ten things I want my 10-year-old daughter to know:
1. It is not your job to keep the people you love happy. Not me, not Daddy, not your brother, not your friends. I promise, it's not. The hard truth is that you can't, anyway.
2. Your physical fearlessness is a strength. Please continue using your body in the world: run, jump, climb, throw. I love watching you streaking down the soccer field, or swinging proudly along a row of monkey bars, or climbing into the high branches of a tree. There is both health and a sense of mastery in physical activity and challenges.
3. You should never be afraid to share your passions. You are sometimes embarrassed that you still like to play with dolls, for example, and you worry that your friends will make fun of you. Anyone who teases you for what you love to do is not a true friend. This is hard to realize, but essential.
4. It is okay to disagree with me, and others. You are old enough to have a point of view, and I want to hear it. So do those who love you. Don't pick fights for the sake of it, of course, but when you really feel I'm wrong, please say so. You have heard me say that you are right, and you've heard me apologize for my behavior or point of view when I realize they were wrong. Your perspective is both valid and valuable. Don't shy away from expressing it.
5. You are so very beautiful. Your face now holds the baby you were and the young woman you are rapidly becoming. My eyes and cleft chin and your father's coloring combine into someone unique, someone purely you. I can see the clouds of society's beauty myth hovering, manifest in your own growing self-consciousness. I beg of you not to lose sight with your own beauty, so much of which comes from the fact that your spirit runs so close to the surface.
6. Reading is essential. It is the central leisure-time joy of my life, as you know. I am immensely proud and pleased to see that you seem to share it. That identification you feel with characters, that sense of slipping into another world, of getting lost there in the best possible way? Those never go away. Welcome.
7. You are not me. We are very alike, but you are your own person, entirely, completely, fully. I know this, I promise, even when I lose sight of it. I know that separation from me is one of the fundamental tasks of your adolescence, which I can see glinting over the horizon. I dread it like ice in my stomach, that space, that distance, that essential cleaving, but I want you to know I know how vital it is. I'm going to be here, no matter what, Grace. The red string that ties us together will stretch. I know it will. And once the transition is accomplished there will be a new, even better closeness. I know that too.
8. It is almost never about you. What I mean is that when people act in a way that hurts or makes you feel insecure, it is almost certainly about something happening inside of them, and not about you. I struggle with this one mightily, and I have tried very, very hard never once to tell you you are being "too sensitive" or to "get over it" when you feel hurt. Believe me, I know how feelings can slice your heart, even if your head knows otherwise. But maybe, just maybe, it will help to remember that almost always other people are struggling with their own demons, even if they bump into you by accident.
9. There is no single person who can be your everything. Be very careful about bestowing this power on any one person. I suspect you are trying to fill a gnawing loneliness, and if you are you inherited it from me. That feeling, Woolf's "emptiness about the heart of life," is just part of the deal. Trying to fill that ache with other people (or with anything else, like food, alcohol, numbing behaviors of a zillion sorts you don't even know of yet) is a lost cause, and nobody will be up to the task. You will feel let down, and, worse, that loneliness will be there no matter what. I'm learning to embrace it, to accept it as part of who I am. I hope to help you do the same.
10. I am trying my best. I know I'm not good enough and not the mother you deserve. I am impatient and fallible and I raise my voice. I am sorry. I love you and your brother more than I love anyone else in the entire world and I always wish I could be better for you. I'll admit I don't always love your behavior, and I'm quick to tell you that. But every single day, I love you with every fiber of my being. No matter what.
Dear Daughter:
ReplyDeleteToday you turn 1. What a momentous occasion.
I love you daughter, with more than all my heart. I promise to protect, care for, listen to, be present, proud of, kind, nurturing, humorous, guiding, instill God into your heart and values, and energize empowering confidence into all areas of your life, dreams, and goals.
Looking forward to all our adventures throughout your life!
Love,
Dad
http://www.redbookmag.com/kids-family/blogs/mom-blog/things-all-dads-of-daughters-should-know
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